I like the nightlife, but lately things have been getting out of hand. "Hey, did you hear that?" I mumble to my groggy bedmate in the predawn dark. The alarm is about to go off, but it's been preempted by the scratch and maw overhead. A muffled thump, small footsteps -- these early morning audio extras disrupt my sleep, and disrupt the cozy feeling I savor, all tucked in my warm bed, that my home is my dominion, my territory.
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The chocolate chip cookie mix was a last-minute purchase at the market as I grabbed what I needed for dinner. I hadn't baked with Ethan since he was too young to remember, but he occasionally mentioned making cookies with his dad. They used to buy the tubes of dough you cut into slabs like salami, but recently, since Richard's girlfriend, Jill, likes to bake, they made cookies from scratch. "We did it as a family activity," Ethan said. I admit I felt a twinge. Of course I'm grateful that Ethan's second home is a loving one, and that Richard is in a good relationship with someone Ethan feels comfortable with. Still, when I saw the Duncan Hines box on the shelf I felt nudged by a feeling of being. . . out-baked.
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I bought the skis on Craig's List for $25. I would have paid more than $25; I would have paid full price even though Grace is only five years old and didn't ask for skis. It would have been a foolish thing to do, and I am glad that I didn't end up doing it, but I would have. I want her to learn to ski. I want her to love skiing.
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Unable to fall asleep, I wonder what having a child with diabetes was like from Mom's point of view. I wonder how my diagnosis changed the way she'd mothered me over the years. Here she was in bed beside me for an entire week. Whose mother still did those things for her thirty-nine year old daughter?
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When Ahna turned five I realized it had, in fact, been at least five years since I'd been to the doctor. Moving from denial to awareness, I told some outspoken women friends so they would bug me about it. "You should go," they said, "would you be OK with your daughters not going to the doctor for preventative care?"
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