Another LM Anthology Reading in Oakland

This one was close to my heart because it took place in my cozy neighborhood independent bookstore. Much has been written about the sudden death of the owner, Debi Echlin, just two months ago, and she truly was a remarkable woman. Local Author (of one of my favorite books of last year, The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green) Josh Braff
has said she was an "upbeat sparkplug of a lady," and I have happy memories of Debi helping me find just the right books for my Reader Daughter. So when I read that night, from the LM Anthology, it was for Debi, as she had been just like a mother to so many. Literary Mama could have been her own title.

New owner Kathleen Caldwell had featured the Literary Mama Anthology and a promotion for the reading in the storefront's window, right next to Deborah Tannen's new book and Po Bronson's latest. The small store was packed that evening. As Ericka Lutz had put it -- when discussing the order in which the seven of us would read -- we started with humor, ended with sex, and had all the heavy stuff in the middle. (Jennifer Eyre White added: just like a good date.)

Storeowner Kathleen found it "really is possible to create an enormous community in a small space" and you could feel it that night. That's what a reading can bring about. If there's one in your area, go for the camaraderie, and we'll let you know the when and where right here.

Mothers still talking...

The buzz from last Friday evening's Mother Talk has yet to die down. I pick my son up from preschool and a mom stops me with an urgent glance: "I'm so disappointed I missed the Mother Talk! Are you doing it again soon?" I've gotten calls and emails from others who couldn't make it and have heard what a great conversation we had. The calls and emails from those who did come are terrific: grateful, enthusiastic, and also a bit rueful – why didn't we do this sooner? Why don't we manage to have conversations like this more often?

Why not? Well, we could blame the kids. It's hard, we all know, to finish a sentence, let alone a conversation, when you're negotiating turns with the magna-doodle, putting snacks on the table, and keeping the preschooler's teeny-tiny lego pieces out of the baby's mouth. But many of us who attended have known each other since before we became mothers; two of us have known each other fifteen years (yikes!) And some of us do occasionally get together without the kids now that they don't all nurse all day and all night, and even then some combination of fatigue and familiarity, perhaps, keeps us from digging deep and talking about what really matters to us. Grabbing a coffee on Saturday afternoon while the kids and dads are all at the playground is wonderful, and we're all happier for it, I know. But it's good to make an event of conversation every once in a while, to change out of the playdoh-smeared clothes, sit down and really pay attention to each other. We revealed truths to each other, and to ourselves, that had otherwise gone unacknowledged.

I've been involved with Literary Mama for a year and a half, but it was last week's Mother Talk that moved one friend, with whom I've often discussed my editing, to finally look at the site, read some essays, and say to me, "The night inspired me to read more, to write more, and to more fully embrace my motherhood."

Thanks for getting the conversation started, Andi, and thanks to everyone who came for making it such a rich one; we'll do it again soon!

Andi writes about the LM Deisel Reading

Jennifer Margulis predicted we might have a big crowd, but I didn't believe her. After all, how many of these bookstore things have I done where it turns out to be just me, standing next to a tower of destined-to-be-returned-to-the-warehouse books, and one old guy who thought he was sitting in the café? But she was right: nearly 70 people showed up for the reading.

I was glad that I'd thought ahead when I was in Seattle and had prepared some remarks. Usually I do these things on the fly, talk about whatever springs to mind, or say the same intro I said at the last thing I did, but with so many people there, it seemed more formal. Plus there was a podium and a microphone. So prepared remarks seemed necessary. I was relieved I had some ready.

Before I got to that part, though, I got to meet in person a ton of people I email with, sometimes daily, but never actually see in real life: Literary Mama editors, my editor and publicist at Seal, writer friends like Barbara and Susan Ito and Gayle Brandeis and friends from Readerville. It was like a family reunion, except we'd never actually uned in the first place. Some people were exactly how I expected them to be; others couldn't have been more different. All of them were a thrill to meet outside the matrix of the Internet.

Once all the meeting and greeting was over, the 11 readers and I settled in to the reading space at the front of the crowd. With so many people there to read from Literary Mama and It's a Boy, I decided to confine my speaking to the short background info I'd prepared and the introductions of the writers. I did that, and then we got right into the readings.

Literary Mama columnist Jennifer Eyre White kicked things off with Analyzing Ben, a piece about the differences between her son and her daughter. She had the forethought to bring a visual aid with her -- a big chart replicating the table in her essay that list the behaviors shared by her kids – and it was really great. Her piece got a ton of laughs, and really got the reading off to a great start. Unfortunately, I didn't get any pictures of her reading from her chart, as it didn't hit me until after that point that since I wasn't reading myself, I was free to document everything photographically from the sidelines.

Literary Mama Profiles editor Joanne Hartman was up next with an excerpt from Evolution of a Muse, an essay that ran in our Literary Reflections department. It's a great piece, made all the more poignant by the presence in the audience of Joanne's muse herself – her daughter. Reviews editor Rebecca Kaminsky read a section of Down Will Come Baby, an essay based on her column of the same name, and then Columns editor Rachel Sarah read Coming, a piece from her Literary Mama column Single Mom Seeking. This piece also got a lot of laughs – the best moment was when Rachel read from the part in the piece where she's frustrated by her date's lack of sexual staying power. When she said, "He told me that no other women had ever complained about being dissatisfied," all the women in the audience laughed, while all the men crossed their arms and looked grumpy and uncomfortable.

Barbara Atkinson, Literary Mama's assistant editor for creative nonfiction, followed with a tantalizingly brief excerpt from Camping, a short fiction piece, and then creative nonfiction editor Jennifer Margulis spoke about her piece in It's a Boy and her new book, Why Babies Do That. Cathleen Daly read her poem Mama's Orange Robe, originally published in our Mother's Day issue last spring, and then Susan Ito read an excerpt from her heartbreaking piece "Samuel" from It's a Boy. It was a joy to hear her read, and a revelation, too – her essay is so wrenching, so personal and raw, that until I'd heard the ending read aloud, I hadn't fully realized how sweet and funny and tender it was. I'd been focused on the story of loss, and not as drawn in to the equally powerful story of how loss eventually heals. Hearing her read the ending, where she muses about who her son would be if he were alive today, jokes with herself about her maternal pride and expectations, cast a whole different light on the essay, which always seemed to me to be at the heart of the book, but for different reasons.

Reviews editor Sybil Lockhart was up next with an excerpt from Grey, a creative nonfiction piece about coping with her mother's mortality and failing mental health. This piece was not only one of the first ones we published on the site, but one of the original essays from the "writing about motherhood" group that was started by Amy Hudock back in 2002/2003 – the group that eventually morphed into Literary Mama. Then Fiction editor Ericka Lutz read from her nonfiction essay Why My Garden, a powerful meditation on personal history and place.

The evening wrapped up with the wonderful Gayle Brandeis reading her short fiction piece Eyes in the Back of Her Head. This was another piece that was a revelation to hear read aloud. It was another one that was published in the early days of Literary Mama, and I remembered it as being powerful, but hearing it spoken out loud, it was a whole other story. It was an incredible way to end the night, hearing this fable about a mother who never truly "saw" her children, and the stories the children told themselves to explain her indifference.

But the night didn't end there – after mingling for a bit with friends and audience members, we went across the street for a small after-party that turned out to be a raucous tiki lounge. We sat and shouted to each other over cocktails and stayed up far later than is a good idea for people with young children who don't yet get that whole sleeping all the way through the night without waking up thing (or people who are jet-lagged and up way past their bedtime). But it was wonderful. A great night, and great company, and a fabulous event overall.

Photos here!

What Mothers Are Talking About

Well, the mother writer community has been busy in January. Between the book tours for the Literary Mama anthology and a series of Mother Talks, bookstores, coffee houses and, yes, even bars (or perhaps especially bars), have been filled with Literary Mamas.

Seattle played host to 2 readings in January as well as a Mother Talk. The first reading was at Queen Anne books on January 8 and featured Andrea Buchanan, Marjorie Osterhout of MomBrain, Heidi Raykeil (The Naughty Mommy), Jennifer Margulis, Martha Brockenbrough, and Literary Mama anthology contributor Jennifer Munro. Andi Buchanan provides the details (with photos) in her blog entry.

The next night, Marjorie, Andi, Heidi and Jennifer Munro read at Third Place Books.

Then on to the Seattle Mother Talk where Heidi, Martha, Marjorie (who hosted) and Andi read briefly to a group of 30 mothers from all walks of life. Discussion was sparked by the various readings and topics discussed included post-baby sex, mothers' responses to pain (why there sometimes is a strange form of competition to been seen as "Most Stoic"), mothering sons and daughters, and work and motherhood. The topic of maternal judgement and mothers judging mothers arose, as it has during other Mother Talks across the US. In fact, in anticipation of the Seattle Mother Talk, Andi wrote an interesting piece about mother judgment on her blog.

After Seattle, a number of Literary Mamas hit Oakland for a reading at Diesel Books. Over 60 people came to hear readings from the Literary Mama anthology by Gayle Brandeis, Ericka Lutz, Sybil Lockhart, Susan Ito, Cathleen Daly, Jennifer Margulis, Barbara Atkinson, Rachel Sarah, Jennifer White, Rebecca Kaminsky, and Joanne Hartman.

Then Andi headed off to the Mother Talk in San Francisco, hosted by Caroline Grant. There, 19 mothers from all walks of life gathered to talk about mothering. Half of the women were writers, although interestingly don't consider themselves as such because they are not paid to write, are not published, or do not write "literary work". And so, as Caroline put it, "a big topic of conversation was the extent to which any of us is able to claim an identity other than mother -- if we don't get paid for the work we do, or only do it part time, we're thought, or even think ourselves, to be just 'dabbling.'"

The Sacramento Mother Talk was hosted by the wonderful women of Mamazine.com. Andi Buchanan and Jennifer Margulis read exerpts from their new books which kicked off a discussion on gender and social norms. The group discussed whether it was ok to write about one's children and families (they were split on this one). Jennifer Margulis's piece from It's A Boy on how birthing a son helped her to heal emotionally years after terminating a pregnancy, led to a brief discussion about abortion. Sheri Reed of Mamazine.com, said of the evening, "I felt like we just got started and then we ended (even though we talked for several hours). There's just so much ground to cover, and I do feel mothers are hungry to talk —- even the ones with supportive families, friends, and mother groups. It's not often we get an arena to talk this way on the specific topic of mothering."

Fellow Warriors in The Mommy Wars

Thank you to Sandy at Imponderabilia of Actual Life for pointing me to this article by Mary Ann Roman which appeared in Parents Express magazine.

In her article, There are No Mommy Wars, she challenges the notion that there is a Mommy War being waged Out There pitting stay-at-home moms against those working outside the home (or breastfeeders against bottlefeeders or APers against Sleep Trainers or [Insert Parenting Choice Here.])

To readers of Literary Mama, this will, of course, not come as news. We know that there is no simple divide between mothers. We all love our children and try to find some sort of balance that allows us to mother our children and preserve our sanity. (And, yes, sometimes that means allowing them a steady diet of nothing but hot dog buns and ketchup.) But it is interesting to see a frank discussion of this issue in a very mainstream publication (Parents Express is one of those local freebie magazines you can pick up at the library or community center).

Roman interviews Miriam Peskowitz (author of The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars) and Anjali Enjeti-Sydow (a co-leader of Mothers & More) among others. Again, it is nice to see Miriam's book and the work of Mothers and More (a group of SAHMs and WOHMs working together? How unexpected!) highlighted instead of that of one of the more devisive 'Mothering' authors we often see quoted in the mainstream press.

While the article works to dispels the notion that mothers are divided into two separate and distinct factions, it does talk about how many of us have experienced judgement of our mothering choices, sometimes even by other mothers.

But instead of attributing judging and feeling judged to some character flaw in women (Dr. Phil, the master of the Mom vs Mom show, always seems to like to talk about catfighting), the article points out society's role in the matter. "I believe that the root of all mother judgment is the lack of support that women receive as mothers, particularly new mothers," Enjeti-Sydow is quoted as saying. "If mothers had supportive social systems, whether that be family, friends, moms groups, understanding employers, and/or excellent child care, mothers would feel confident and secure in their decisions regarding their families, and would not feel the need to judge others."

"One thing we can do to solve this is to stop judging each other and ourselves," Peskowitz is quoted as saying. "We tend to divide from each other. Banding together to make a change is a good step. We tend to think of motherhood as a solitary issue, but to the extent in which we can talk together and act together, well, that will help all of us."

Author and Literary Mama Senior Editor Heidi Raykeil (Confessions of a Naughty Mommy), offered a perfect example of how a potential "mommy war" situation turned into something much more positive and powerful. Raykeil had written an article for Parenting Magazine that writer Betsy Hart criticized in her article (which also ran in the Chicago Sun-Times). Raykeil sent off an email to refute some of the points made and, frankly, did not expect to hear back. Hart emailed her back, respectfully offering a further explanation of her views. They had several subsequent email conversations and discovered that while they have very different opinions when it comes to the issue of behaviour management (the topic of Heidi's original article), they, in fact, have a lot in common. They are both writers. They are both mothers. They hold many of the same values dear.

In the end, they swapped copies of their books. Hart signed hers: "To Heidi, A fellow Warrior in these (always fun?) 'Parenting Wars.'"

Life After Today: Catching Up With Author Heidi Raykeil

I had a chance to catch up with Literary Mama Senior Editor and Columnist Heidi Raykeil after her interview with Ann Curry on the Today Show. Heidi was interviewed about her first book Confessions of a Naughty Mommy: How I Found My Lost Libido and came across as calm, cool and collected.

She revealed the secret of handling the spotlight. Not meditation, not breathing exercises, not an early morning session with a zen master. Nope, truth be known, Heidi had spent the previous evening dealing with a stomach bug which hit her and her family. Instead of drinking champagne or having some well-deserved "naughty" moments in her swish hotel room, she alternated between curling up on the bathroom floor and ringing housekeeping to bring up more towels to throw up in. The next morning she was so happy not to feel nauseous (or to be dealing with vomit-covered (but oh so high thread count) hotel sheets) that her "I'm on national TV!" jitters all but disappeared. Ah, the glamourous life of the writer mother.

Heidi revealed that it also helped to remember that her writing was inspired by her children. She first started writing as a way to help her process the death of her baby boy (her essay Johnny, which also appears in the just-published Literary Mama anthology, is a heartbreakingly beautiful tribute to her son). She says, "So when I was freaking out in the bathroom of the Today show I thought of Johnny, and how this was all a gift from him, and how he would have never got me started on this writing path if it wasn't something I could handle. And then I was calm."

Having her husband and daughter with her was also helpful. She says, "seeing them I was able to remember what really matters: no matter what I say on national TV, they'll still love me, my parents will still love me, my friends will still love me -- although my friends will also tease me mercilessly about my hair and nervous habits only they would recognize."

Since appearing on the Today show, Heidi has done local tv and radio interviews and will be talking about her book on cable radio. She was even 'recognized' in a local shop (the shopkeeper failed to cut her a deal, however). She admits that she finds the whole publicity process a bit daunting as she became a writer in part "because you get to sit in a room by yourself" and had hoped to cut her teeth on a few bookstore readings before appearing on national TV. (Her husband, on the other hand, shines in the spotlight, reinforcing yet again why they work so well together (yes, the suggestion that he don a dress and do her readings has been made.)) She also finds it a little strange to think that people she once knew (high school classmates, ex-boyfriends) might see you her in this context.

Heidi details the wild ride that was her 2005 (which started with her New Year's resolution to get a literary agent) in her current Literary Mama column, Sex in the Suburbs.

My Inner Housewife: Shine Responds

In my last post I wrote that I had received a copy of Darla Shine's Happy Housewives book. Its arrival coincided with my discovery that Caitlin Flanagan also had penned a Housewife Chic book and the notion of a fashionable return to domesticity was making me feel rather cranky.

Both Darla Shine and a Darla Shine supporter left lengthy comments in response to my piece. I want to reserve my remarks about the book itself until I've finished it (I'm half way through) and have had a chance to pen a proper review (it is mainly a household tips book and seemingly not the usual Literary Mama Reviews fare but, given the political overtones of the book, is potentially worth some discussion). But, I did want to address a few of the points raised right away.

First, I have been accused of commenting on Shine's book without reading it. This simply is not true. In my earlier post, I commented on a newspaper article which refers to Shine's book. I did not comment on the book itself. How could I, without first having read it?

Second, I was informed that I misquoted Shine with respect to her comment on liberation and equality. Nope. It's right there on page 24. [Correction: Yep, Shine is right in this case. I quoted her as saying that our mothers had burdened us with liberation and quality (since I repeated the phrase over the next sentence, my meaning was clear but I apologize for my typo. Ooh, I hate being wrong!)]

Third, it seems that I am perceived as somehow anti-stay-at-home-mothers. Shine comments that "if we want to opt out of the fast track we should have that choice without being ridiculed by so called feminists such as you." This strikes me as funny (both funny peculiar and funny ha-ha). Yes, I consider myself a feminist. Absolutely. Yet, at the same time, I am not unlike Shine or the women she hopes to reach. Like Shine, I am at home with children (a two year old and a four month old). Like Shine, I also have a masters degree and left a six-figure job. Like Shine, I also try to carve out some time to write (I marvel at her productivity). And, like Shine, I do enjoy some things in the domestic sphere. I like to bake, I'm a compulsive organizer, I use the Flylady method of keeping my house somewhat tidy and I'm constantly Feng Shui-ing the furniture. And, like Shine, I disagree when people want to label the work of stay-at-home mothers as somehow 'less than' (see my blog entry about Linda Hirshman's article.)

But here is the difference. Shine seems to believe that we have a true choice when it comes to how we raise our families. We select whether to stay at home with the kids or not, to engage in domestic activities or not, to cook homemade meals or not as if from an all-you-can-eat buffet (well, to her credit she does acknowldge that some single mothers don't have the choice and seems to be trying to figure out a way to help them.)

And she therefore sees the "choice" to stay at home as somehow having more value than the "choice" to work, primarily because the "choice" seems to involve more sacrifice somehow (sacrifice defined in terms of forfeiting one's income). I quote from her book (page 19): "Just as in all families who make a choice for the mother to stay at home, we made our priorities. So, maybe you'll have to give something up. Maybe this year you won't buy the big-screen TV. Maybe you won't go to Bermuda. Maybe you'll have to downsize your home. Things might get tight. But isn't your baby worth it?"

Is it just me, or does that make anyone else want to scream? The 'I chose my child over a big-screen TV' smugness (dare I call it that) is just so out of alignment with my experience. None of my friends, none of the women I meet in the park, none of the women I am reading about seem to share this view. We all love our kids, we all struggle with work/life balance, we all try to do our best. None of us make decisions because we think that are babies are not "worth it."

Now Shine's defense to criticism about such statements seems to be twofold 1) she was joking and 2) she didn't intend for working moms to read this book. Well, she does seem to have a rather caustic sense of humor which she directs towards everyone and everything from women in the supermarket to her sister's phegmy tasting chicken Kiev and, it's true, she states right up front that if you are a full time working mom, you shouldn't read her book.

But I don't think that it is OK to make comments like this and then say "I was just kidding" or "I didn't mean for you to read that". It is not OK to imply that full time working mothers value their kids less. Not as a joke. Not in a little, nudge-wink, clubby, 'just between us girls,' kind of way.

This type of polarizing comment is always tricky. Because what might be intended as a jokey, off the cuff, biting remark can work its way into the wider discussion of mothering. And then readers like Debra, one of her supporters who also commented on my blog post, can honestly believe that they are supportive of all mothering decisions and yet at the same time believe that Shine is "empowering those of us who have made the choice to value our families over the never-ending climb up the corporate ladder." And it is precisely this, not vacuuming or not vacuuming the drapes, that causes me so much anxiety. It's the we "made the choice to value our families." As if maternal love is somehow entwined with one's work situation, or cake-making abilities. As if it is something that can be measured, and judged. And suddenly mothers are policing each other instead of banding together to say, 'we all value our families, we are all trying to do the best we can in a family unfriendly society, and, you know, we're all getting a raw deal." Shine does have some great suggestions for improving the lot of the stay-at-home-mom. I simply wish that she could discuss them in a way that was more inclusive of all mothers.

I am also uncomfortable with how Shine seems to use the terms housewife and stay at home mother interchangeably. I just don't see how one mothers one's children has anything to do with mastery of domestic arts. Shine writes (page 100) that she ties little bows around her napkins, bakes biscuits in the shape of bunnies, and ensures her pancakes are equally sized because she thinks "a little extra fussing is a little extra love." Perhaps that is how Shine shows her love for her family. Others might show it by working two jobs or driving their kids to the hockey rink at dawn or by teaching their children to be accepting of others and non-judgemental. We all have different mothering styles and I don't think that the decision to make or not make every craft and recipe from the latest issue of Good Housekeeping has anything to do with one's love for one's children.

Shine accuses me of trying to start up a mommy war but it is the devisiveness found within her book which troubles me. If she truly wants to help women, if she truly wants to make things better for moms and for families, then I just don't see how she plans to go about doing it by alientating so many.

Now, Shine is a very shrewd writer/media personality. Even her blog comments (she has left similar ones on other blogs) seem to be part of some sort of a guerrilla marketing campaign to stir up interest in her book. I respect her business savvy. Invoking the mommy wars and injecting a layer of controversy certainly is a way to distinguish her (so far) otherwise unremarkable book from a number of the other domestic "how to" texts.

But I think that there could be a much deeper cost if she starts to encourage women to make the political personal, to stop trying to change the system, and to embrace it, almost competitively, warts and all.

Perhaps the book has a surprise ending. Perhaps it will reach conclusions which will make me a convert to her ten step guide to maternal bliss.

I'll let you know.

My Happy Inner Housewife

Well, it's been a banner week in my life. First, Darla Shine's Happy Housewives appeared on my doorstep. My favorite line so far is "Our mothers have no idea how they have burdened us with liberation and equality." Liberation. Equality. Yep, that's a real drag.

Then, I learned here and here that Caitlin Flanagan's new book To Hell with All That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife is coming out in April. Here is a little quote from the publicity material which warmed my heart "On Work/Life Balance...: If you want to make an upper-middle-class woman squeal in indignation, tell her she can’t have something. If she works she can’t have as deep and connected a relationship with her child as she would if she stayed home and raised him. She can’t have the glamour and respect conferred on career women if she chooses instead to spend her days at “Mommy
and Me” classes. She can’t have both things."

Oh dear. Well, there's no use in trying to change things then, so that we can find fulfilling work and still have time to spend with our children. I guess there is nothing to do but squeal.

Oh, and vacuum the drapes which, according to Shine, I'm supposed to be doing once a month.